If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
