Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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