went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
