so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
