Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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