Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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