My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
