When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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