When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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