dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
