can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
