No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
