the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
