That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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