i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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