I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.