oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
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No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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