Michael Bay diarrhea
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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