im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
