idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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