Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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