apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
