Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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