I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
