I cut my penus on the lid.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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