These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
