I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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