Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
