Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
