Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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