That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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