I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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