I cannot find my penis.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We're too hungover to prance.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
