Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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