I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
