You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
