those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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