You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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