I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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