I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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