i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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