There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
