After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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