I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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