I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
