I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
