At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
