There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
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