I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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