There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
