apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
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I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
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I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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