i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
