i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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