She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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