Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
