i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
