It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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