She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
